Excellent short jokes_funny jokes_6

1.Summer Camp

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”
The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?”
2.Fur coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, a young girl said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor animal suffered so you could have that?”
Her mother shot her an angry look, “How dare you talk about your father like that?”
3.All you can drink

There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. Since it was quite hot and he was thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy’s stand, he noticed a sign that said “All you can drink 10 cents,” and a single, very small glass.
Well, he thought that it was a very small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all he could drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, “fill ‘er up.”
The kid replied, “Sure thing, that’ll be 10 cents.”
To this the business man said, “But your sign says all you can drink for a dime.”
“It is,” the little boy
4.Family trip

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked a little boy about his family trip.
“We visited my grandmother in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan,” he replied.
The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”
The student, obviously flustered, thought a moment and then said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”
5.Cow giving birth

Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
Uncle Jon thought to himself: “Great, now I’m gonna have to explain the ‘birds and bees’ to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I’ll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I’ll just answer them as best I can.”
After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: “Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?”
“Just one,” the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. “How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”

Excellent short jokes_funny jokes_5

1.Playing house

Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor’s house.
The little girl stood on her tiptoes and just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.
“Good morning, children,” she said. “What can I do for you?”
“We’re playing house,” the little girl answered. “This is my husband”… “and I’m his wife. Can we come in?”
Thoroughly enchanted by the scene, the elderly lady replied, “By all means, do come in.”
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl politely declined.
“No thank you,” she said. “We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants.”
2.Looking for me

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “no”.
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman”?
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me!”
3.X-ray

A young girl was told she needed an X-ray. She went in and seemed especially nervous.
When she came out of the X-ray room, she told her mother, “They took a picture of my bones.”
“Yes, dear,” replied the mother. “Did everything go all right?”
“Sure,” said the girl. “It was great. I didn’t even have to take my skin off!”
4.Summer Camp

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”
The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?”
5.Fur coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, a young girl said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor animal suffered so you could have that?”
Her mother shot her an angry look, “How dare you talk about your father like that?”

Excellent short jokes_funny jokes_4

1.Akimbo
Just  like most of  other  kids, aged  two Emilia didn’ t like washing hands──she’ s always wiping the dirt off  hands on her clothes. One  day  I  accompanied  her  to  have  fried  cicadae. Habitually she  rubbed her  grease fingers on   her  real  silk   short  gown. I   held  back  her  from  doing  it: ” What do you want to do?”  She was immediately  on  to her  blame, replied at  ease: ” I’ m akimbo.”
2.An Exceptional Phenomenon
4-year-old Begin  and  his cousin  scrambled for  toys. His mum told him: “ You are  older brother  because  you’re  older  than  your (cousin)  sister. You  should give ground  to  her. ” Begin  thought  a  little  but  maintained : “ My  sister  must  give  ground  to  me  when  she  grows  older  than  I.” His  uncle  around overheard  and  said : “Such  a  thing  hardly  occurs.”
3.Kid wisdom

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.- Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.- Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?- Kevin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10
4.When he grows up

A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

Excellent short jokes_funny jokes_3

1.Fried chicken
In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?
Jack thought a moment, then answered, Fried chicken, sir.
2.Domestic shame should not be published
Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles, boys?
Nick: Yes, sir. Quite often. I saw it even last night.
Teacher: Please tell us something about it.
Nick: Oh, sorry, sir. My father always says, ‘Domestic shame should not be published.’
3.No Cavities
A smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit,Hey mom,the dentist says I have no cavities.
His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised,It’s impossible –you never brush your teeth after cleaning the chocolate box before you go to bed!
Then the boy opened his mouth –he had not a tooth left!
4.A Bad Impression
My husband and I are both writers. During dinner conversations, we often tell our children about our working days. It wasn’t clear how much they absorbed until one day I overheard my seven-year- old, Lucy, cry out in frustration at her five-year-old sister, Charlotte, “You, you… you editor!”
5.Its His Fault
Billy and Bobby were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.
Last Saturday their mother said to them, “I’m going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden – and be good.”
“Yes, Mummy.” the two boys answered, and they went out.
They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, “Mummy, ” he said, “Bobby’s broken a window in Mrs. Allens’ house.”
“He’s a bad boy,” his mother said. “How did he break it?”
“I threw a stone at him,” Billy answered,”and he quickly ducked.”.

Excellent short jokes_funny jokes_2

1.That’s It

I once lived in Arizona near fort Huachuca, an Army installation. Our street consisted mainly of mobile homes with small yards, but grass was difficult to grow in that climate, especially with the many children and dogs romping through the neighborhood. One lawn stood out, however. It was green and lush with neat rows of flowers. I was puzzled how the owner managed to do it until I noticed a sign in the yard. It read: “Danger-Minefield .”
2.Toyota

Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question “Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?” he looked up at me with a worried expression. “Well,” he confessed , “I do own a Toyota.”
We enlisted him the next day.
3.West Point

My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff , we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, “to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point.”
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, “We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point.”
4.Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard . He was rescued by a deck hand . The officer asked how he could reward him.
“The best way, sir,” said the deck hand, “is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I’d pulled you out, they’d chuck me in.”
5.Visual Training

The squad were having “visual training”. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:
“Sexteen men and a sergeant , sir.”
“Right, but how do you know there’s a sergeant there?”
“He’s not doing any digging, sir.”

Excellent short jokes_funny jokes_1

1..Timing is Everything

A very close friend of mine, named Alan, is chronically late, and not by just a little. Anybody that knows Alan knows that he is totally undependable and will always show up an hour late, if he shows up at all. But somehow people put up with this frustrating characteristic because he is one of the funniest, most charming individuals you will ever meet.
An occasion that I remember provides an illustration. A group of 4-5 people had plans to go to dinner together, including Alan. The plan was to meet at the home of “Brent”, who had arranged the whole thing, at 8:00pm, have a quick drink, and still make our 8:30 dinner reservation. At 9:30, Alan had still not shown. Everyone, but especially Brent who had by then made 3 calls to the restaurant, was hungry and extremely angry at Alan.
Just when we had decided to go on without him, he showed up. As we were all climbing into Brent’s car, Brent had to take some stuff out of the back seat and put it into the trunk so we would all have room to sit. Only Alan could have then said “Gee, Brent, you had an hour and a half. Couldn’t you at least get the car cleaned out?” The laughter that ensued caused everyone to forget how hungry and mad we were.
2.How Much Is It?

It was winter, and Mrs. Hermann wanted to do a lot of shopping, so she waited until it was Saturday, when her husband was free, and she took him to the shops with her to pay for everything and to carry her parcels. They went to a lot of shops, and Mrs. Hermann bought a lot of things. She often stopped and said, “Look, Joe! Isn’t that beautiful!”
He then answered, “All right, dear, How much is it?” and took his money out to pay for it.
It was dark when they came out of the last shop, and Mr. Hermann was tired and thinking about other things, like a nice drink by the side of a warm fire at home. Suddenly his wife looked up at the sky and said, “Look at that beautiful moon, Joe!”
Without stopping, Mr. Hermann answered, “All right, dear, How much is it?”
3.Three Whistles

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. “And how much are they then?” I asked, pointing to another tray.
“You, sir,” replied the jeweler, “about three whistles.”
4.Camera

On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal asked the owner, “Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?”
“Look, fella,” replied the owner, “I don’t care what you do with it after you buy it.”