Five animal jokes

• Seeing Eye Chihuahua

   There's a guy with a Doberman Pincer and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincer says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
      
      The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "Just follow my lead."
      
      They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincer puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
      
      A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
      
      The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
      
      The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincer?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
      
      The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "hey why not?," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
      
      The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
      
      The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?" 

• The Amazing Pet

  A  man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn't want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!
      
      The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.
      
      The man replied, "Come on, a dog?"
      
      The owner said, "How about a cat?"
      
      The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
      
      The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A centipede!"
      
      The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
      
      Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and... it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.
      
      He then said to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered.
      
      The man thought to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
      
      Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
      
      The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
      
      By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
      
      45 minutes later... still no centipede! He couldn't imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede?
      
      So he went to the front door, opened it ... and there was the centipede sitting right outside.
      
      The man said, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!"
      
      The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

• Cooking Instructions

   According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
      
      The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv."
      
      Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:
      
      "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
      
      The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.   

• Goodbye Ugly Suit

  When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
      
      "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
      
      "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
      
      "That's the one!"
      
      "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suitwe've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
      
      "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."  

• Life as a Female Bear

  If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
      
      Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
      
       If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
      
       If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
      
       I wanna be a bear.