An Old Couple's Quarrel③⑦③①

A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."
"I'm willing," said the other.
"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."
"I'll be there."
"And I'll law the hell!"
"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.

Animals Funny Pictures.my love Funny Pictures

5 adult short jokes

1.I don't even know that woman

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

2.Keep yourself busy

My husband was enjoying the day off from work and watched me scurry about the house.
I picked up his dirty clothes, put away his work shoes, carried out his popcorn bowl from the previous night's football viewing, washed the breakfast dishes, wiped the coffee he'd spilled and ironed his shirts.
Seeing a thoughtful look on his lace, I wondered if he was beginning to realize just how much unnecessary work he created for me. Maybe he would offer to help. "A penny for your thoughts," I said.
"I was thinking," he replied, "that one of the things I like best about you is how you always find ways to keep yourself busy."

3.Good News and Bad News

"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.
"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"
"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."
"And the bad news?"
"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."

4.Put that ring back on

During World War II, I found that my wedding ring was being destroyed through the use of my GI trenching shovel, so I took the ring off and placed it on my dog-tag chain.
After being promoted from corporal to staff sergeant, I sent my wife a photo of myself wearing the new stripes. Instead of congratulations the letter I got back contained just five words: "PUT THAT RING BACK ON!"

5.A Mistake

An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" asked a medic .
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

 

 

 

 

Short adult jokes！

A Complicated Breakfast order

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.
"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning. I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny , and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"


When the Leaves Are Gone

On a beautiful Octorber day, my husband and I were taking a drive through the Georgia mountains. When traffic slowed to snail's pace, we assumed there was road construction or an accident ahead.
My husband reached for the CB radio and asked, "Can anyone tell me when the traffic returns to normal?"
Came the raply: "When the leaves are gone."

Timing is Everything

A very close friend of mine, named Alan, is chronically late, and not by just a little. Anybody that knows Alan knows that he is totally undependable and will always show up an hour late, if he shows up at all. But somehow people put up with this frustrating characteristic because he is one of the funniest, most charming individuals you will ever meet.
An occasion that I remember provides an illustration. A group of 4-5 people had plans to go to dinner together, including Alan. The plan was to meet at the home of "Brent", who had arranged the whole thing, at 8:00pm, have a quick drink, and still make our 8:30 dinner reservation. At 9:30, Alan had still not shown. Everyone, but especially Brent who had by then made 3 calls to the restaurant, was hungry and extremely angry at Alan.
Just when we had decided to go on without him, he showed up. As we were all climbing into Brent's car, Brent had to take some stuff out of the back seat and put it into the trunk so we would all have room to sit. Only Alan could have then said "Gee, Brent, you had an hour and a half. Couldn't you at least get the car cleaned out?" The laughter that ensued caused everyone to forget how hungry and mad we were.

Response Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation  for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."
Philospher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."
A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

  

 How Much Is It?

It was winter, and Mrs. Hermann wanted to do a lot of shopping, so she waited until it was Saturday, when her husband was free, and she took him to the shops with her to pay for everything and to carry her parcels. They went to a lot of shops, and Mrs. Hermann bought a lot of things. She often stopped and said, "Look, Joe! Isn't that beautiful!"
He then answered, "All right, dear, How much is it?" and took his money out to pay for it.
It was dark when they came out of the last shop, and Mr. Hermann was tired and thinking about other things, like a nice drink by the side of a warm fire at home. Suddenly his wife looked up at the sky and said, "Look at that beautiful moon, Joe!"
Without stopping, Mr. Hermann answered, "All right, dear, How much is it?"

 

Three animal jokes***

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• Cat Collector

   A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
      
      He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
      
      The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
      
      The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
      
      The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
      
      To which the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

• How to Tell the Weather

  To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.
      
      If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
      
      If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
      
      If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
      
      Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
      
      Sincerely,
      
      The CAT 

• Horsing Around

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."
      
      There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tuckered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?".
      
      The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"

Five animal jokes

• Seeing Eye Chihuahua

   There's a guy with a Doberman Pincer and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincer says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
      
      The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "Just follow my lead."
      
      They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincer puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
      
      A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
      
      The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
      
      The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincer?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
      
      The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "hey why not?," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
      
      The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
      
      The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
      
      The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?" 

• The Amazing Pet

  A  man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn't want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!
      
      The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.
      
      The man replied, "Come on, a dog?"
      
      The owner said, "How about a cat?"
      
      The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
      
      The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A centipede!"
      
      The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
      
      Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and... it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.
      
      He then said to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered.
      
      The man thought to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
      
      Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
      
      The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
      
      By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
      
      45 minutes later... still no centipede! He couldn't imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede?
      
      So he went to the front door, opened it ... and there was the centipede sitting right outside.
      
      The man said, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!"
      
      The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

• Cooking Instructions

   According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
      
      The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv."
      
      Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:
      
      "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
      
      The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.   

• Goodbye Ugly Suit

  When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
      
      "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
      
      "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
      
      "That's the one!"
      
      "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suitwe've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
      
      "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."  

• Life as a Female Bear

  If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
      
      Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
      
       If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
      
       If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
      
       I wanna be a bear.  

 

7 short joke about Animal Jokes

Purpose of the Dog
  A Sunday School helper was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
      
      "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
      
      "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
      
      A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

How Many Dogs Does It Take
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
      
      Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
      
      Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
      
      Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
      
      Rottweiler: Make me.
      
      Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
      
      Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
      
      German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
      
      Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
      
      Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
      
      Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
      
      Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
      
      Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
      
      Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle .
      
      Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
      
      The Cat's Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? 

Doggie Funeral
This rich man died and left in his will that when his dog died he was to have a funeral and who ever did the funeral would get a million dollars.
      
      When the dog died--the executor started asking various faiths of the cloth if they would do the funeral. All refused. Finally he asked this old country preacher if he would do the funeral. "Why Brother--I don't do dogs funerals!"
      
      "OK" the executor replied, "But the one who does this funeral gets a fat one million dollars!". The preacher replied "Now wait a Minute --- you didn't tell me this dog was a Christian!"

Special Pig
 Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
      
      "Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
      
      "And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
      
      "So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
      
      "And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
      
      "OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
      
      "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

Cross-eyed Rottweiler
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"
      
      "Well" said the vet "lets have a look at him"
      
      So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it's eyes.
      
      "Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down"
      
      "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
      
      "No, because he's heavy" says the vet.

The Bar Mitzvah
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey
      
      "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
      
      "Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
      
      A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
      
      "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
      
      "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
      
      "That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Does Your Dog Bite
There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.
      
      The old man replied, "Nope."
      
      So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
      
      The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."